General Kink Safety
In this unit we cover some basic safety and etiquette points for keeping yourself and others safe and happy in the Kink community
"Consent is Mandatory"
Consent must be given, enthusiastically, and in an ongoing manner
You can say no.
Others can say no to you.
You must ask before joining or touching others.
Others must ask before joining or touching you.
Saying no to others is ok.
Being told “no” is ok.
No reason ever needs to be given for a “no”.
Privacy is Paramount
You have a right to privacy
Others have a right to privacy
You should expect others to respect your privacy
You should not do anything to compromise others privacy
If you see others in public – you don’t know them. Greet them and allow them to indicate to you whether or not they wish to be approached; they might be with family or work colleagues they can’t explain their new friend to.
Negotiation
What is “negotiation”?
Negotiation is a mutual discussion with someone about what things they, and you, do, and do not like. The goal should always to be to find things you both like and are enthusiastic for. It is also a time to discuss your hard limits and your soft limits.
What negotiation is NOT?
Trying to sway or convince your partner into things they are somewhat curious about.
Why is negotiation important?
Negotiation gets people talking the same kinks, lets two people find out what they are mutually interested in.
It allows people to find out what the boundaries of the relationship are, so they are not crossed during play.
It allows people to find out about their partners hard and soft limits, as well as express them to their new partner.
Limits - Hard limits & soft limits
Hard limits are things you know you are not interested in doing under any circumstances. If your partner tells you something you bring up is a hard limit for them, it is off the table. Bringing up something to try to ‘encourage’ someone to do it is a great way to lose partners and get yourself ban hammered from events.
Hard limits are boundaries that need special respect. Hard limits could be anything from a specific toy being used, a specific act or type of play, to even something as seemingly innocuous as a specific word or phrase used during play. Another limit some people have is that they go by a different name during play, be aware of this.
Soft limits are the things you’re not entirely keen on but you don’t consider yourself to be hard against, these are things you might be keen on with time or under the right conditions, things you are curious about.
If a partner tells you something is a soft limit for them, then be sure to give that soft limit the proper respect. You may be excited about the idea of introducing someone to something they are tentatively curious about, but never push a partner into a soft limit.
Aftercare
What’s that?
Aftercare is something done after you’ve played with someone to ‘bring them back to reality’ after they may have had their headspace adjusted. The amount of aftercare needed after a particular scene can vary depending on many factors, from you partners individual needs, to the intensity of the scene, to what has been happening in their week.
What is it NOT?
Aftercare is not an excuse to get more play, like getting more cuddles or affection from someone after play has ended.
Why?
Aftercare is important to keep yourself and your partners emotionally healthy, and to mitigate the likelihood and extent of drop.
Different kinds of aftercare
Aftercare can take many forms and every partner will have their own aftercare needs. Some people will need cuddles and physical affection, others will need verbal affection and reassurance, some might just want chocolate and they’re good, some just want to be left alone or go for a walk.
Safewording (not just safewords)
Safewording is the concept of delivering an unambiguous “STOP” to your partner. This becomes especially important when you have any play that generates ambiguity about what is and isnt a “no”. An example of this might be a partner that likes to struggle/tug/pull/etc. against a tie. If such a person changes from enjoying themselves and pulling on a tie, to panicking and struggling, this change can become ambiguous.
For this reason, it is important to discuss and clearly understand how each party in a scene will communicate. Explicitly discuss if one party or the other wants to be able to say “no”, or something like “fuck off”, etc. and have play continue. You might find that your partner isn’t interested in that sort of light ‘consensual non-consent’ (something that needs very careful negotiation, and is beyond the scope of this document), and instead is perfectly happy communicating using plain language.
If you are doing anything with anyone when their mouth or airway is being restricted (in any way), being able to give a non-verbal safeword becomes critically important. Ways you can non-verbally safe word include ‘tapping out’ with two light/firm & quick taps (like in grappling martial arts/MMA), holding a piece of metal pipe or some keys that you drop to make a noise when you want to safeword, clicking your fingers, or shaking your head strongly side to side in a firm “NO”.
Consider asking a new partner if they are multilingual, and if so, what language they switch to when theyre drunk/panicked/stressed/tired. Someone who wishes to remove consent or becomes distressed may start talking to you in a language you do not speak. For English native speakers this may not often become an issue because many languages are lexically similar to English.
For example, “No” in other languages is:
- “Nein” (German)
- “Neit” (Russian)
- “Nay” (Dutch)
- “Non” (French)
- “No” (Spanish)
- “Nem” (Hungarian)
All of these words have an “N” sound at the start, which an English speaker might recognize on a panicked expression as a “No” in foreign language.
However:
- Mandarin speakers may say “Boo!”
- Arabic speakers might say “La!”
- In Japanese “no” is said as “Ie (eehh-AH)”
English speakers unfamiliar with languages like this, may not recognise someone saying “LA!” as a firm “NO!” as quickly as they should.
Respect and communication:
You must have respect and enthusiasm for your partner, and also for the scene you are about to take part in. Also respect yourself, what you are worth, and demand to be treated the way you deserve. If it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.
Communication is important, always talk with your partner, keep talking with them about things they like, what went well, what didn’t go well, what could be improved (either because it was something that someone liked and wants more of, or didn’t like). Communication doesn’t just happen once, or the first time; It keeps happening.
Boundaries
You should have a clear idea of what your partner wants and does not want, but also what you want. Never violate your partners trust or boundaries, but also consider your own boundaries. This applies to all genders and all roles, it applies to tops as well as bottoms.
Very important; boundaries can change at any time. Having one set of boundaries in one scene do not mean those boundaries exist 3 months later. Boundaires can change within a scene as well
Drop
What is drop?
Drop is a ‘low’ (mentally and physically) after an emotional high. After a scene/experience you can have a brain that is quite saturated with happy chemicals and hormones, and a few hours to a few days after the scene, this high can ‘drop’. Drop can feel like a short lived depression that lasts from a few hours, day, up to a few weeks.
Medium.com has a really good post on what drop is: https://medium.com/through-the-eye-of-the-prism/experiencing-sub-drop-53c6c8d3c6dc
How do you manage it?
Drop can be managed the same was you manage depression without the aid of medication; human contact, exercise, self-care routines, chocolate, TV, cuddles, conversation, sports, etc. Really any thing that helps you personally alleviate feelings of depression and negativity. After a particularly intense scene, it is a good idea to get back in touch with your partner the next day/after 2 or 3 days, to make sure they’re ok, and that they aren’t experiencing drop.
Top-Drop?
Don’t forget about the top! Top’s have been known (stereotypically) to not be great at asking for help emotionally when they need it. Top’s can also be forgotten about from time to time, although this is quickly becoming a thing of the past. If you are a bottom interviewing a top before they play with you, and you ask them about if they’ve ever had top-drop, you may get a confused look and a surprised smile, but you’ll almost certainly get some mad brownie points, and it will definitely be very much appreciated.